Blue cheese

Admiral of cheeses,
placed on high behind the glass,
your steady survey indifferent
to the taunts of creamy sisters
who flaunt in rows for late night shoppers.
Who are they to me?
You reason in my basket and whisper,
humiliate my bread and beer
with lectures of exalted pursuits
and simple daily pleasures
when rhyming poets walked with gods.

I will not martyr you in modern ovens,
nor melt your maturing angles
(and with it my prejudices)
on burning toast,
but slice your flesh and serve you with a cheerful dried fig.

A bogan love song

the first moment when i metchya
i knew that i would getchya
i knew that i’d be goin’
since tequilia shots were flowin’
back to yours for sumpin’
mebbe a little pumpin’

i said to meeself, i betchya
she’ll prolly even letchya
take ‘er bra off yeah
or give her one right there
but she knew that it didn’t suita,
and crashed ‘fore I could roota

so i went away and lefta,
thought prolly shezza lesba,
or not the type of sheila,
who’d let some random feela,
but she got me on the blower,
said why dontcha comeova?

then i knew shewas keenfa,
a bit of aussie beefa,
like all euro chicks are gaggin,
for a proper manly shaggin,
or at least a normal bloke,
to fondle and to stroke.

now i think she’s grouse,
and i like being at her house,
coz now we don’t get mashed,
just so we can pash,
and she makes me feel real ace,
and she’s got a beaut face.

Pata negra

A golden leaf
wrought to purchase
a thousand head of sow,
brought forth to us on the steadied hands of servant maids,
shines in the light
streaming through our crystal glasses and
trills with brittle composite, entices insecure appetites.

But as the painted mouths purse and plane their vowels,
I cannot stand it. The game is out.
I push my plate and silken napkin,
then spit that leaf upon the marbled floor.
I leave the place, my status hanging like a vacuum cleaner bag,
having sucked all that is foul and irksome.

It is for my blasphemous blackened leg I pine!
I pray to be delivered something pure and cured and shaven,
with flaky, soft, sublime persuasion.
To tear (after the moor has squealed his last)
a page from a salty hide;
I’d let it fall silken into my mouth, fuse with my being…

Nothing would separate me from this wonderful thing.

When pizza calls

MmmmmIf on arrival late from toil,
you find a pot still clean to boil,
but glancing in the fridge recoil
at all the store left there to spoil.

Your stomach roars for just a crumb,
what once was bread has turned to scum!
So dashing through the door you’ve come
to get some pizza Mmmm…

Looking at your phone you fret
the closing time will soon be met
a shattered dream, a losing bet
a cheesy meal you’ll never get.

But as you slide around the bend
a light there yonder bucks the trend
you make it just before the end
“One large pizza!” Mmmm…

Frodo you twat!

You pine for mounds of green that stew in friendly morning mists,
the furrows worried frantic turn asunder with the twists,
and turns of dodging trolls and dousing dange’rous breakfast coals,
your furry foot does blight you as another mountain calls.

Scurry down and up and round in asperous, aqueous loops,
chased by beasts with blackened blood (or other ethnic groups),
you spout reproof and peck under the gentle gardner’s wing,
dimiss him with the claim that you’re a captive to the ring.

You’ve friends from many worlds and say you speak the elven tongue,
and at climactic intervals been stabbed and bit and strung,
Yet o’er and o’er again a sceptic mind must call it quits,
‘Cause in all of Middle Earth are you the whiniest of shits.

Down and up in Brighton

Sounds
of Brighton
lure me with romances
sand down my apprehensions where it counts
inhales me into its belly like a whale does a plankton.
Air rots my throat, I wait for open sun
with open umbrella,
why am I
here?
A
man finds me
listless, down at a pub
along the Ship Street. Shakes my hand and smiles
his eyes and I smuggle hushed stories, of truth in beer and tea
he leans across the bar and points a while, nods as he orders my favourite whisky.