Some original puns to groan at*
While it’s the thought that counts, sometimes you wish it could count past one.
The following day, the agenda of the Irish dance party had to be rejigged.
Cuban imitators are also known as Parrots of the Caribbean
Working 9 ‘til 1: the new hit single by Dolly Partime.
His wrinkly pants display a lack of irony.
The engineer wanted to open the dam but he was afraid of the flow-on effects.
The man lost his prosthetic finger but had a spare one on hand.
Who wants to go to the shadow puppet theatre? Let’s see a show of hands.
I love North Dakota and North Carolina, but I’m not one to overstate.
I thought I saw a frog in the no parking zone, but it was toad.
The reason why space is filled with nothing is due to all the astro noughts.
Sometimes Santa became so angry he threw toys at the elves just to make his presents felt.
I threw my PhD in the fire and got third degree burns.
After two hours of waiting, the whale sensed his prey had weakened and decided to move in for the krill.
The producers wanted two forest moons in ROTJ but they knew that George Lucus would never endors it.
Sir Cliff Richard’s comedy act turned out to be a one-knight stand.
The man born with an arse on his knee kept running into footstools.
Hyperbole will get us all killed.
The man arrested for stealing hay just made bale.
The asthmatic artist couldn’t draw breath.
Breeding jackrabbits is a hare raising experience.
Linda McCartney was one of the first people ever to practise the sport of Paul dancing.
During the crisis the company kept hiring and as a result staffed to death.
I threw dynamite down a quarry. It blew my mine.
When the old lady saw the flasher she had a stroke.
The anorexic marathon runner was out of breadth.
That flat soda ruined my whole theatre experience. I expected more from the Fanta of the opera.
No wonder he recycles all his old law books: he evidently has Acts to grind.
The president caught the security agent just before he tripped over. That man never lets his guard down.
My interest in stamp collecting waned after I was charged with mail theft.
That’s the best drinking establishment in the Vatican, bar nun.
The ancient Greeks stored all their faith in Alexander the Crate.
The Rabbi astronaut was Jehovah the moon.
The painting of the carriage was so appalling it could have been horse drawn.
Fakeorns come from hoax.
Watching wild horses is unbridled joy.
The Fukushima power plant worker took the day off work to go fission.
He didn’t want to share his Iphones so I left him to his own devices.
I like to throw clocks around just to pass the time.
Scientists have discovered fossils of giant baby deers, proving once and for all the existence of megafawna.
The wizard failed at school because he couldn’t spell.
Fortune telling cats taking over the world? Don’t be so pussy mystic.
Before the toss, the captain told his team to pull together.
The truck driver who ran over Mickey Mouse thought it was just a road dent.
I love tying shoelaces. KNOT!
I was reading a book about the best method of adjusting pants. I think it was a Hemmingway.
The Lion King refused to listen to his family’s advice. It was just pride talking.
When business was slow, the hangman sent out newsletters to keep customers in the loop.
That ex-vegetarian still doesn’t miss a beet.
I scrub my surfaces with cocaine for that real charlie sheen.
I want to start my own landscaping business but the bank won’t give me a lawn.
I was looking into the mirror for too long and got deep vain thrombosis.
I just removed the 1km of barbed wire that was around the house by myself. It was an act of self de fence.
He didn’t feel too bad after the girl refused to sleep with him at the camping grounds. He had no bad in tent shuns.
Big bird didn’t want to retire but he knew he’d reached his beak.
The old lady was rescued from the circus fire by a contortionist. She was the only one to be taken out on a stretcher.
I was in a band called alkaline solution but our music had too much bass.
Road surface marking isn’t as important on country roads but new freeways is where I draw the line.
After the giant bubble bath incident, ET was never again allowed to foam home.
It doesn’t pay to lie to a dentist. They’ll always get the tooth out of you.
I got my boots cleaned in Warsaw. They just needed a good polish.
Nasa covered up the Apollo mission crew’s discovery of blood-sucking parasites by calling them lunar ticks.
The policies of the seniors’ vegan party are definitely not pro-teen.
She somehow ended up at a fertilisation clinic, because she was too embarrassed to stop to ask for erections.
Herb disputed the firm’s expenditure on toilet paper, but he’d always loved challenging rolls.
My sister came first in her pottery class. She urned it.
Please turn your mobile phones off during the wedding. There’s a bad reception anyway.
The capture of the dysenteric escapees tied up a few loose ends.
Gin arrived without tonic. Everyone asked him where his bitter half was.
Asbestos manufacturers ask emphysema sufferers why they all can’t just get a lung.
With bowl of soup on his head, he was hardly comprehensible. Then again, he was talking under his broth.
If you’re a square, your favourite form of public transport is a Rhombus.
Retreating into the herb bushes is like stepping back in Thyme.
Santa occasionally picked up fire-breathing hitchhikers, but he was no dragon sleigher.
On the streets of ancient Rome I was always asked to donate money. No thanks, I said, I already have a charioty.
The north koreans truly believe Kim was great. Sadly, they were il advised.
Some of the herbs in my cooked-herbed salad were still cold. I think I got a raw dill.
A binge in China town always ends with puking duck.
The lead singer of Madness bandaged his cut with a Kleenex and was left with Ska tissue.
That white t-shirt makes you look fat. Why don’t you just dye it.
I always carry a baguette and a glass of water in case of chili bries.
On a recent visit to Earth, Princess Leia got a boob job on her left breast. She wanted the bust of both worlds.
Dracula fixed the fight so that in the third round his man would go down for the count.
The police didn’t find anything in the retirement home or the prison, even though they looked in every crook and nanny.
The Orc Cola machine was out of mordor.
The Belgian restaurant was attacked by armed robbers. Everyone was ordered not to move a mussel.
He lost a couple of digits in the accident. Now he’s always toe tally aware.
Animal activists are upset at the introduction of bunk beds in reptile zoos. I think they’re just crocodile tiers.
The greengrocer? What a has bean.
A favourite interrogation technique of the security guards at Starbucks is playing play good cup, bad cup.
The NASA canteen’s rucola salads are always delicious. In fact, there’s never been one failed rocket lunch.
The Dublin Library was forced to close due to its meagre collection and lack of Joyce.
I was in a band called the Dodos. We never got off the ground.
After months of playing one of the Seven Dwarves on Broadway, the wee actor was close to meltdown.
I think my egg is overcooked but I’m not going to brood over it.
The waiter accidently hit the tennis ace with a pepper shaker but he took it like a seasoned professional.
In hospital they serve offal kebabs to those in need of organ doners.
The retired firefighter left his wife after he met an old flame.
News of the sky diving show at the Cochlear Implant Convention fell on deaf ears.
Only two players are competing at the poker tournament. It’s no big deal.
The Koala refused prosthetic surgery despite his mother’s insistence that he shouldn’t run around in bear feet.
I heard Palm Inc opened up a new branch.
Tweets mentioning that John Cleese has passed away found to be Fawlty.
The thriller about the French chef was a real snail-biter.
The rumour started when two flying cows were over herd gossiping.
I thought I lost my Australian accent, but I’m still suffering with drawl symptoms.
High school students are flunking trigonometry more than ever. I guess it’s just a sine of the times.
The depressed batsman blamed his bad strike rate on his mood swings.
Muhammad Ali has released a console game. It’s only for X-Boxers.
My friend entered a turkey carving competition. I think he made the cut.
I forgot my fish and chips on the couch and then sat on it. It really put me in my plaice.
Learning about the Pharos of Alexandria was the high light of my history course.
I joined the navy regiment church choir during the war. Everyone wanted to hear the crew sing Missals.
I thought Windows 7 was having problems but it’s just growing panes.
My business shirt has an embedded chip which displays who is phoning me. It’s one of those new collar ids.
I need about 10 bacon sandwiches to get me through the day. Many hams make light work.
Drought could be prevented, if farmers were given free rain to solve the problem.
I left an invoice on the front lawn over night. The next morning it was over dew.
Tortology (n): needless second helping of cake.
Many years after Jesus’s death, the disciples had to cease all pilgrimages due to dwindling prophets.
He says he can’t work because he was hit in the eye with a cork. I can’t stand people who sham pain and whine.
By picking up that T-Bone you’ve really raised the steaks.
I’ve already checked the house for phantoms. The ghost is clear.
He tried to treat his bronchitis by puttin’ his finger down his throat, but sadly died. That was the nail in the coughin’.
Crows are noisy, but it’s for a good caws.
It’s not easy to glide in a Deltaplane, but I’m getting the hang of it.
Both my Iphone and computer are now wet and broken. All I did was try to sink them.
Colonel Sanders accused of bestiality? I suspect fowl play.
Inside Greek prisons you’ll find the best concrete.
The idiot boss thought he could cut costs by leaving teriyaki bottles on the curb. After all, everyone was using asian out saucing.
After a full day’s jousting the knight received nothing. He should never have become a freelancer.
The accident victim walked away with not even one broken bone. You could say he marrowly escaped.
Saudi Arabia has the strictest drinking laws of any country, bar none.
The IBM cafeteria kitchen staff looked a bit depressed today. Looks like the servers are down again.
I must admit, that young frenchman we met in Cracow did seem a tad pole.
The centrefold model posing while fly fishing certainly had a lure.
The doctor told the woman if she wanted to discuss gestational surrogacy, she would have to go to the waiting womb.
I asked the Queen for something warm to to wear because it was dark and cold. She gave me a night hood.
Your girlfriend will love this cool treat: get a handful of ice cubes put it in cider.
Greenpeace and Japan finally agree to stop complaining about each other in the first anti-wailing agreement ever reached.
The fishing rod wanted so badly to become an actor but no-one in Hollywood would cast him.
I’m not a vegetarian by choice. I just can’t make ends meat.
Harry Potter was at the beach and wanted some lunch, but all he could find was a sand witch.
I am loving reading The Hobbit, but the chapters about Smaug just drag on.
I parked in the Amphibian Research Centre parking lot and my car got toad!
In Spanish bordellos you get a small spanking while you wait. Best of all, this serving of tap ass is free.
I got hit in the jaw just after a root canal operation my dentist wife had performed. I’ve lost that loving filling.
Someone stole the rooftoop restaurant’s entire supply of ricotta. It was highwhey robbery.
The air stewardess was nice but no fashion model. Just your average plane Jane.
I think the Rabbis’ wives were locked inside the tanning salon when it collapsed. They found a lot of freshly squeezed orange jews.
It’s good that the presidential candidate is promising to introduce more 50c pieces. We need some change in this town.
Shredded Cheese? That’d be grate.
Dear Blackberry, why buy a lemon when you can have an apple?
I hear The Avengers film will be opening in the city with the most number of superheros: Capetown.
Chimney prices are going through the roof.
It was either sell her ape or pose for playboy. The broke freedom fighter considered gorilla pawn, but finally chose guerilla porn.
My friend is having trouble pinning things to his corkboard. Do you know a good tacks advisor?
I got fired as hand model. They said I was too big and hairy. But I won the court case based on my right to bear arms.
Apple releases Steve Job’s final product: The iBituary. It is supposed to be very touching.
Our landlord evicted us from the house, even though we were the cleanest people there. A house without us is a dirty hoe.
I was once in a failed band called the Lisping Slips. We didn’t have any thongs.
Happy National Taco Day: In Oslo you can buy real Tacos and at the same time get a no bell price.
Well ain’t the Dalai Lama gone and snuck in our yard again. I just caught him a layin’ on the porch, ma.
The Referee Federation was implicated in the match-fixing scandal thanks to information provided by a whistle blower.
Mick Jagger denies rumours he’s moved to Canada to start up an elk farm, saying “a rolling stone gathers no moose”.
I know you like stringed instruments, but you don’t have to harp on about it.
Happy National Coffee Day! There’s nothing a good cuppa can’t fix. Except possibly caffeine addiction.
The honey farmer’s wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t start beehiving properly. And I don’t think she was pollen his leg.
Don’t bring the boat too close to the water’s edge, if you want to be quiet shore.
This email promises to extend my penis to 12 inches. Great things are afoot!
I heard our chemistry teacher was moonlighting in a fish and chip shop. He does have quite a few ions in the fryer.
I slept with all three of the Lee sisters: Ginger, Merry and Gaye. And you’re saying I still don’t know how to use an adverb?
Me: Doctor, doctor! I think I have flutalence! Doctor: Nothing to worry about. It’s only a little vowel movement.
EU demands unfeta-ed access to Greece’s financial records. Greek government claims no debt was ever in curd.
Fragrant flour? That doesn’t make any scents.
My therapist said my hallucination of meeting the last platypus on Earth was just a mono dream.
My horse won’t let me ride her during the day. God, she is such a night mare.
On a cake maker’s salary, raisin’ kids costs an almond and a leg.
The leaked photos of Scarlett Johansson in the buff are really trending, but I think they were just released to get more bums on tweets.
George hated the idea of attending a carnival in a cemetery. It was like a fête worse than death.
Robin Hood finally caught as medieval forensic scientists find the prints of thieves.
You’re willing to bet I can’t lift your mother’s sister? Let’s up the auntie!
I asked the lead singer of No Doubt for something to write with and got a penguin.
The Maître d’hôtel is unsure if the restaurant is going to serve shrimp and worms today. As it is, it’s still open for de bait.
You live under a citrus tree? Sounds sublime!
Brother violently attacked by intoxicated sibling: another victim of alcoholic psycho sis.
At the annual trap-making convention they were doing some serious networking.
As I stretched to get on the horse the tension was really mounting.
Catholic priest finally realises that ‘J’ is pronounced like the English ‘Y’ in German. Hallo Julia!
I’m sorry to inform you that the shipment of copper is experiencing delays. Cu later.
I tried to sharpen the spear but there wasn’t much point to it.
The ex-pope finally realised why he always received the same thing at the heavenly Patisserie. The baker was deaf. “Quoi Sant Peter?”
The weatherman was asked why he was so clever and well-groomed: “A few degrees and the occasional shower”.
My Japanese friend insisted he knew nothing about wine but the police kept saying they were looking for a cork, asian.
Someone threw a tin canister of ferrets into church. They went out of the flying can and into the friar.
I heard the local pastor was caught smuggling cigarettes. Well you know what they say: no smoke without friar.
Luke was no fan of personal hygiene, but he knew that one day he would have to take on Bath Vader with a light salve.
After the unsettling riots in Egypt people are still walking the streets with pharaohed brows.
Despite Ken’s hunger he had to line up for his lunch. He’d never seen such an enormous barbie queue.
Anyone who believes the Ottoman Dynasty were just eight bad-tempered Italian dudes is a turkey.
I saw Seal in concert. He was a bit off-key until he got a tuna.
The police wouldn’t be happy until they stopped the illegal union of French pianists. While they tried, they couldn’t find Satie’s faction.
The health club lunch consisted of only one piece of pasta. Well I guess it is in the spa ghetto.
Changing car mufflers can be exhausting.
That guy in Paris who jumps naked from bridges into the river has been officially declared in Seine.
The lead player for the Mumbai children’s orchestra is sick and can’t perform tonight. Where will we find a baby sitar at this hour?
Sure I broke the elevator while everyone was watching. But I can take the stares.
I tried to punch that snake, but it kept coming back at me. I think it was a rockable boa.
Drinking piss and food colouring at the same time might lead to dye urea.
The client got a huge scare. But it was without ease that we managed to deliver their beige freight.
After the walking team was banned from competing at the Olympics, they retired to their gaited community.
I failed my driving test. My reverse park was krap.
For the Beatles, the loss of Paul McCartney would’ve been really debasing.
Girlfriend shoved her infected hair follicle in my face during my favourite Italian cooking show. It was so huge I couldn’t see pasta boil.
I told him to stop playing football on my new carpet. But he just wouldn’t leave the rug be.
With 40 new nuclear power plants in the pipe line, the US is really looking to the future with 20:20 fission.
After years of research on seabird breeding behaviour, we’ve come to learn that one good tern deserves another.
Stop trying to pass the buck. I don’t want your Venison pie.
We can separate the frozen sausages with a hammer. But only if Wurst comes to Wurst.
In the early days Attila’s wife wasn’t permitted to go gambling. She was, after all, the spouse of the rising Hun.
Blogging in Chinese is hard. But that’s just my e-pinyin.
Outitude sickness (n): nausea associated with being in a location where there’s no wifi or 3g reception.
No-one could decide whether to stitch the seams or not. It was mayhem.
There’s something wrong with the touchscreen of my iPhone, but i just can’t put my finger on it.
What, you baked another cake already? That was a quick retorte.
I didn’t steal that roll of tartan. I don’t need a kilty conscience.
I asked the doctor how many rectal exams I had left. He said I had piles.
The Chinese regime’s nature broadcast was merely a political stunt to panda to viewers.