It has been quite a while since the last Stephenie Meyer Physical Challenge (although I’d hazard a guess that everyone is still recovering from the psychological and physiological damage) but I haven’t been consuming the daily recommended dose of fibre as of late and therefore have not had much occasion to visit the bibliolavatory.
So I must say, praise the almighty for organic muesli! Because without it, I wouldn’t have had the stomach or the opportunity to uncover the following precedents of preposterous prose.
I Muttered My Way
Any theatre sports group will attest to the fact that there are a enough ludicrous physical challenges in Twilight to keep even the most imaginative of thesaurus-reading performance artists baffled for centuries. For example, on the surface, a simple verb such as ‘mutter’ may appear to pose no threat to those with easy access to a dictionary, but attach a random adverb to its bottom and this once innocuous and very useful word mutates into something frighteningly novel and indescribable.
Some selected phrases:
mutter unwillingly – You shall mutter, or I will saw your ears off with a guitar string.
mutter suddenly – Oh, you took me by surprise with that utterance!
mutter darkly – Should I be afraid of your low, angry rumbling?
The same rule applies to its cousin, ‘murmur’:
murmur shyly – A new fragrance from smile happily.
murmur bleakly – The only adequate response to the apocalypse.
In fact, we can see a theme forming here – by limiting the overall usage of verbs and qualifying them with attributes seemingly drawn from a hat, you can manufacture an endless amount of expressive conduct, most of which are yet to be identified by behavioural experts.
quote sourly – “Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” And fuck you!
frown impatiently – Can you please hurry up? This frown is currently tying up forty-three muscles which could be used to tell you to go stick yourself.
amend quietly – Shhh! If we just turn this drawing of a penis into a salami, no one with notice!
ask significantly – AT WHAT HOUR DOES THIS IMPORTANT OCCASION TAKE PLACE, MY GOOD SIR?
to be abruptly exasperated – What the shit? Hell!
Once again, should you attempt any of these physical challenges, please do so under the guidance of a trained acting professional or someone with at least some theoretical knowledge of English literature.
Illustrated Shorts 