50 Shades of Muttering and other idiocies

50 Shades of Muttering and other idiocies

It has been quite a while since the last Stephenie Meyer Physical Challenge (although I’d hazard a guess that everyone is still recovering from the psychological and physiological damage) but I haven’t been consuming the daily recommended dose of fibre as of late and therefore have not had much occasion to visit the bibliolavatory.

So I must say, praise the almighty for organic muesli! Because without it, I wouldn’t have had the stomach or the opportunity to uncover the following precedents of preposterous prose.

I Muttered My Way

Any theatre sports group will attest to the fact that there are a enough ludicrous physical challenges in Twilight  to keep even the most imaginative of thesaurus-reading performance artists baffled for centuries. For example, on the surface, a simple verb such as ‘mutter’ may appear to pose no threat to those with easy access to a dictionary, but attach a random adverb to its bottom and this once innocuous and very useful word mutates into something frighteningly novel and indescribable.

Some selected phrases:

mutter unwillinglyYou shall mutter, or I will saw your ears off with a guitar string.

mutter suddenlyOh, you took me by surprise with that utterance!

mutter darklyShould I be afraid of your low, angry rumbling?

The same rule applies to its cousin, ‘murmur’:

murmur shylyA new fragrance from smile happily.

murmur bleaklyThe only adequate response to the apocalypse.

In fact, we can see a theme forming here – by limiting the overall usage of verbs and qualifying them with attributes seemingly drawn from a hat, you can manufacture an endless amount of expressive conduct, most of which are yet to be identified by behavioural experts.

quote sourly“Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” And fuck you!

frown impatientlyCan you please hurry up? This frown is currently tying up forty-three muscles which could be used to tell you to go stick yourself.

amend quietlyShhh! If we just turn this drawing of a penis into a salami, no one with notice!


to be abruptly exasperatedWhat the shit? Hell!

Once again, should you attempt any of these physical challenges, please do so under the guidance of a trained acting professional or someone with at least some theoretical knowledge of English literature.

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