50 Shades of Muttering and other idiocies

50 Shades of Muttering and other idiocies

It has been quite a while since the last Stephenie Meyer Physical Challenge (although I’d hazard a guess that everyone is still recovering from the psychological and physiological damage) but I haven’t been consuming the daily recommended dose of fibre as of late and therefore have not had much occasion to visit the bibliolavatory.

So I must say, praise the almighty for organic muesli! Because without it, I wouldn’t have had the stomach or the opportunity to uncover the following precedents of preposterous prose.

I Muttered My Way

Any theatre sports group will attest to the fact that there are a enough ludicrous physical challenges in Twilight  to keep even the most imaginative of thesaurus-reading performance artists baffled for centuries. For example, on the surface, a simple verb such as ‘mutter’ may appear to pose no threat to those with easy access to a dictionary, but attach a random adverb to its bottom and this once innocuous and very useful word mutates into something frighteningly novel and indescribable.

Some selected phrases:

mutter unwillinglyYou shall mutter, or I will saw your ears off with a guitar string.

mutter suddenlyOh, you took me by surprise with that utterance!

mutter darklyShould I be afraid of your low, angry rumbling?

The same rule applies to its cousin, ‘murmur’:

murmur shylyA new fragrance from smile happily.

murmur bleaklyThe only adequate response to the apocalypse.

In fact, we can see a theme forming here – by limiting the overall usage of verbs and qualifying them with attributes seemingly drawn from a hat, you can manufacture an endless amount of expressive conduct, most of which are yet to be identified by behavioural experts.

quote sourly“Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” And fuck you!

frown impatientlyCan you please hurry up? This frown is currently tying up forty-three muscles which could be used to tell you to go stick yourself.

amend quietlyShhh! If we just turn this drawing of a penis into a salami, no one with notice!

ask significantlyAT WHAT HOUR DOES THIS IMPORTANT OCCASION TAKE PLACE, MY GOOD SIR?

to be abruptly exasperatedWhat the shit? Hell!

Once again, should you attempt any of these physical challenges, please do so under the guidance of a trained acting professional or someone with at least some theoretical knowledge of English literature.

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I'm a creative writer and illustrator living wherever I can afford.